From a week brimming with headlines, scandals, and the odd shit-smudging, Pulse.ng's Joey Akan walks through them all, shedding extra light, analysis, and maybe, discovering the solution to world peace.
Uche Iwuji's Marriage Hits The Ground…and Shatters Into Tiny Bits Of Stories
Isn't this a familiar narrative? One in which a female entertainer makes a lot of happy noises about getting the wedding ring, being one with the love of her life, and living happily ever after, like some princess in some unreal fairytale romance.
Sadly…this is reality, and 'happily ever-after' needs to be earned, not dreamed. Once again, how sad.
Actress Uche Iwuji 14-month old marriage to businessman, Juwon Rasak, is over. As shocking as that may sound in isolation, when you throw in the fact that they just had a cute little boy, who got into this earth, blessed with a family, but will be forced to grow up with the lifelong sting of a broken family, then you will get to feel the gravity of the situation, and maybe, if you have a heart, feel pity for the cute guy, and the family.
But I'm not saying you have a heart. So feel whatever. Honestly, your feelings do not count in this situation. They've already broken up.
Once again, a Nigerian celebrity marriage has crashed, and the rest of them unmarrieds and soon-to-be-marrieds never learn from these mistakes. Funke Akindele, Comedienne Princess, Doris Simeon,….the list can keep us up all day. It's like a roll-call of regrets and pain.
Why does this always happen? The dynamics of a man-woman union cannot be totally grasped, but it's not rocket science. The basics are plain; Show love and mutual respect, be faithful, be forgiving, meet each other half-way, have great sex, and above all, believe in some god…maybe God himself, and the fear of disobedience might make you stick around and make things work.
You see? I got it all figured out! Nigerian celebrities should be smarter, they should know this too.
It's sad to see another marriage crash. I hope they all find happiness.
Davido Plays The Village Boy….and I approve!
What's wrong with me? I approve of a village Davido? Yes I do!
It's a few days to Valentine, and there is a rush by Nigerian entertainers to churn out decent music, and perhaps score some hit love song. So far, the leading light is…wait for it….Davido!
Who could have imagined that a singer, who's more obsessed with flexing his wealth, dropping meaningless lyrics (mixed with amazing, amazing beats), can actually do a love song worthy of an award?
But Davido proved his doubters wrong this time (me included), dropped a song, and a creative music video that has left me breathless. He played a romantic farmer in the visual, and trust me, he did awesome….notwithstanding his urban tattoos, and a storyline that left much to be desired.
But I forgive him. He's done well. I think I'm in love….with Davido. Please be my Valentine.
And yes…I am male. Chew on that!
Court Bans Vector from Music
You have to respect a legal business contract, or at least, if you must cancel it, do it honorably, and legally. Unless you want to end up with the weird feeling of pain and panic that rapper Vector has in his gut.
Nigeria's very own 'Jay Z' is in dipshit. A sad smelly dipshit, complete with a court case, career threats, and the spectre of not making music, ever again.
Growing up, he signed a deal with YSG Entertainment in 2011. The deal was befitting of his status, and mutually benefitting him and the recording house, to a certain degree. Now Vector has grown in frame, fame, stature and talent, and he has got it in his head to jump ship, and go solo. That contract he signed has ceased being in his matured interest, and he wants out.
He actually got out, but didn't terminate the contract legally. Instead, he chose to do something illegal, and breach a legal agreement.
As expected, YSG has cried foul to the law, and it has responded swiftly, stripping Vector of his basic fundamental essence, music. He can no longer make music, unless YSG are involved, and will benefit financially. How sad.
We have seen this happen between Brymo and Chocolate City, Soul E and Colossal Entertainment, and in both cases, the waving contract stands, and must be honored. Soul E lost his case in court, and paid N160 Million, which effectively ended his career. Brymo's case is headed that way too, and Vector, I'm afraid will go down that path.
Show some sense people, show some sense!
We all know recording business investors ask for too much when a talented artiste needs a platform to shine. They ask for your money, and your soul. But if you decide to sell that soul for sponsorship and publicity money, just be certain that you will bleed every last coin spent on you, a thousand times more.
Bleed Vector, bleed. It's sad, but bleed. I feel sorry for you, but bleed. Keep bleeding until your contract expires. Or if you have enough money, buy out the contract.
Keep bleeding.
Waconzy Apologises For Last Year's Beef
What a sissy! If ever there has been a man with balls made of clay, then he has to be Waconzy!
Last year, Waconzy was a hero to many Nigerian music aficionados. He bravely called out the perpetrators of meaningless music in the country, and won many hearts. Tonto Dikeh and Davido were put together in a category called 'noisemakers', and Nigeria exploded.
Waconzy was pelted on twitter, he was under attack on Facebook, people laid siege to his social media channels, and if properly investigated, we'll have found out that he was marked for death by some fanatic assassin.
But Waconzy went through all of that, and came out strong, only for him to destroy all his hard work last week.
He apologized!
Waconzy not only sent messages, and held an interview where he said the sick words 'sorry', he also rubbed his nose in it by dropping a song titled…'Am Sorry'.
The cheek of it! Waconzy lost his balls, and apologized, for stating the obvious. How can Nigeria move forward, eh?
This is surely the sign of the end times. Watch and pray, brethren.
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